Please, it looks like you've got a schwanz in your mouth. Crazy, Stupid, Love

I'm in corporate insurance. I have children. I'm wearing a suede jacket that just seals in all the juices. And I'm looking at your breast. What's that about? Hmmm.

This is stupid.

I'm gonna help you rediscover your manhood. You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut. You're getting drunk on watered down Vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl. Would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please, it looks like you've got a schwanz in your mouth. No one is thinking that. Really?

This is idiotic.

You see the problem is that your head has like the proportion of a like Styrofoam peanut. It does. You gotta take control of your manhood pal. Would you put on some clothes please. Oh I'm sorry, is this bothering you? No, it's not. If it's not bothering you we're got a bigger problem.

This is nutty.

The hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here. Liz, I'm studying. You should be studying the gentle curve of his c... What is wrong with you? Is that too much?

This is ridiculous.

I've only had sex with one woman. Tell me more! Uhm, I'm a little worried you have aids. Just a little. Just this little bit. It's okay, I'm not worried.

I heard you crying in your bedroom the other night. Didn't know what to do. Tried Googling it. What did Google say? Just a bunch of weird videos of moms in bed. Oh God, okay!